I wasn’t always confident, and actually I still think I am not all that confident as I say I am. Growing up I would always walk with my head down and rushing to my destination. Aside from the weird walk I used to do, I tend to have a very concentrated face, so what seems to be me “mad-dogging” someone, is actually me trying to focus on where I am going. If that isn’t enough I would dress very dark. It’s not like I was into gothic fashion, I just didn’t like people to notice me. But despite all this, mentally, I was and am a very happy and colorful person; I just needed to break out of my shell.
I broke out of my shell when I got into high school, don’t most people? Anyway, I broke away from the dark cloud type girl and started to walk a little more securely but I still tend to keep my head down at times; not because I am not confident, but because one of my fears is tripping and looking like a fool in front of everyone. Okay so maybe I still need to work on my confidence in that area. But the thing is that now I smile at people more and I think that is inviting be whenever someone smiles at me I automatically feel happier. As for my face, yeah, that’s a little harder for me to the break from the habit. I really do try to look more inviting when I stare out into the distance but for the life of me, it’s one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. My mom has taken pictures of me when I have my so-called concentrated face and let me tell you, I do not look like the nicest person in the world; and that is what kills me because I love people and the last thing I want for them to think is that I cannot be approached.
However, I am sure that my weird face is made up by the way I dress. I don’t dress grungy and neither do I dress very haughty. I dress comfortable because that is how I want people to feel around me. I know that whenever I sit next to someone in class that’s very grungy or super clean cut I don’t feel comfortable. I am not judging what they wear but I feel like I can’t approach them. I want people to know that they can turn around in class and ask me a question about what the professor said or if I understood the homework. There are times where I feel I can’t do that with my classmates not because of what they wear but because of the vibes they send out. I try my best to be a positive person and I have a deep belief in Karma, and that is why I try my best to be a happy go-lucky type of girl.
I know today’s blog may seem like I am trying to satisfy the people around me but that’s not it at all. I just want to be me and I want to be happy. What makes me happy is the ability to have people approach me and not be scared to talk. I know how intimidating I can be by the way I stare but I don’t bite and I don’t growl. Part of the reason why I changed my dark clothing and the way I walk is because I realized the few friends I had due to this demeanor; but now I am happy to be surrounded by people who are just like me: happy and confident.
Friday, October 8, 2010
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Yes, we have all had our “dark and twisty” days. I remember in middle school when my clothes were only red and black, my hair pulled back and I too, did not look at anyone when I was walking. Like you, high school was definitely a defining point in changing the way my appearance and attitude affected others. I now have all sorts of colors in my wardrobe and I also make small connections with people when walking around campus. I think the best thing in the world is to just make eye contact with someone and smile because you never know if that could just make their day. You’re also right in that it’s not really about being a people pleaser but making yourself be the person you want to be. You’re never going to attract happy confident people if you don’t seem happy or confident. I’ve heard it only takes a few seconds for someone to make a judgement on you, so unfortunately clothes and such do make a difference. Either way, I think as long as in the end you’re actually happy with yourself and you’re surrounded by the people that you want to be surrounded by, not much else matters. Great entry!
ReplyDeleteWe look at others from the inside of our own head, and what we are seeing is their attempts at making themselves acceptable, presentable. The same as what we are doing. We don’t see the person they see when they look at themselves. We all walk around trying to figure each other out, as well as ourselves. It takes a long time to feel confident enough in yourself to just be!
ReplyDeleteMy youngest son was really into black for awhile. He even dyed his hair black at one time, and he had the ugliest long black sideburns that you ever saw. But his black period changed the way I looked at others I saw who looked like he did because I knew my son. My son was not a dark, demon-loving metal head. Well, I guess he is a metal head. He wasn’t ready to stalk young children and do crazy things! My son is a talented, thoughtful person—a great musician. He even loves his mother, and thanks to the reminders of his girlfriend, tells me so. I would not have wanted others to judge him as someone different than whom he is, but yet I had been doing the same thing.
I like when you said that when you dressed in dark clothes you were trying to have people not notice you and that you were in reality a “very happy and colorful person.” I think we all struggle with that tension between who we really are, who we want to be, and how we appear to others. I guess it will be a lifelong struggle of seeking to be honest with ourselves and learning to accept others just as they are.